It’s 10pm on October 5th and tomorrow I will be 34 years old. Let me just say that I am SO happy to be turning 34 and not 30. This year there was no pressure to get in ‘the best shape of my life’ like there was when I turned 30. This year I am actually in the very BEST emotional shape I have ever been in & feel extremely grateful. I went through so many ups & downs in the last 10 years and would have NEVER guessed that I would be feeling this peaceful today as well as helping others (as a friend & health/life coach) navigate through their heavy emotional pasts and find their own peace.
Truth is I never believed it. I always called bullish*t on the people that told me I was going through these hard times so that someday I could help someone else through theirs.
Fast forward. Okay, I get it. It’s true. I have most definitely used all of my hard experiences to help others. Except for a few that I have been hiding away. I have been willing to share a whole heck of a lot but I have not been willing to share my WHOLE self. Yikes! It’s so scary. But I need to. I need to let go of shame & I need to let go of blame. Plus what if my story is the exact medicine that will cure another person’s need?
< MOM >
Sometimes the ones you think would never ever hurt you end up hurting you the most. Sometimes things are not at all as they seem. Imagine being an adult & realizing that your childhood past and the things in it may have been a lie. Or perhaps they were someone else’s truth (also known as a lie). That person may have never meant to hurt you or maybe they did. You will never get the chance to ask them because they will never admit anything is wrong with them and think all is wrong with you. Let me just say that mental Illness is a real b*tch. I know now that your narcism blinds you and for that I no longer blame you. I forgive you for always making it about you. I forgive you for having unrealistic expectations which led you to believe that I was constantly letting you down.
I forgive myself for always thinking that I was always letting you down. I forgive myself for not always answering the phone when you call. I forgive myself for saying no to you and protecting myself and my family from anymore hurt. I choose to believe that you are doing the best you possibly can & I will continue to love you the safest way I know how.
< Dad >
One of the breakthroughs I had just TONIGHT involved feeling dread about my birthday- no it’s not because I will be one year older- it was something else. Every year I wonder if you will remember that it’s my birthday. Some years I hear from you and some years I don’t. I forgive you for staying away. I forgive you for forgetting or maybe you just can’t bring yourself to call. It’s okay. I choose to believe you are just doing the best you possibly can & I will continue to love you the best I know how.
We can’t rise strong when we are on the run.
I won’t hide anymore. I will no longer feel ashamed or guilty. Nothing is wrong with me. I am worthy of love. Even though my life is really quite imperfect & MESSY.
Sure I hope to understand why it all happened the way it happened but for now I will embrace it and share it.